G’day sweet peas.
Thanks for reading Quiet Acts of Rebllion, a newsletter I hope to send out twice a month. I’m grateful that you’re here. This newsletter will always be free however I’ve set up up a subscriber option for those who find my writing resonates with them and would like to support it.
Now make yourself a tea, coffee or gin and settle in for the latest misadventures.
My August and September:
It’s safe to say that the last months of Spring and Winter have delivered bad news: I was diagnosed with a Stage 2 Cancer reoccurrence in May 2022 and after a number of surgeries, started Chemotherapy in August. I’m on a 5 month regime of a mixture of 3 drugs (ddAC - Adriamycin/Doxorubicin + Cyclophosphamide for 4 cycles, then Paclitaxel for 14cycles) which should be done by January (radiotherapy may follow). I’ll be on monthly Gosarelin injections to halt ovarian function during chemo to try and protect my ovaries, which will continue for a further 5 years along with other hormone therapy. This essentially means I’m now in a medical menopause…I’ll keep you updated on how that goes. My Oncology and Surgical team are amazing and are focussing on a curative approach which gives me so much hope.
The first cycle of Chemo was tough, anxiety about how it was going to go probably made the experience a million times harder. The first 4-5 days I dealt with uncontrollable nausea and fatigue, with steroids affecting my sleep and vision. On the morning of day 5 I awoke at 4am feeling this tiny spark of joy kindling inside me; I felt my normal enthusiasm for life returning. I made myself a coffee and sat outside on my big comfy moonchair as dawn began to turn the sky purple. The following 9 days I felt the fatigue within my bones still, but was able to push through it to attend Fresh Starts @ Port Noarlunga the Monday, followed by a week of yoga at Salt Yoga, picnic play dates with my favourite tiny humans and tiny-house house warmings with my favourite big humans.
I finished my second cycle of ddAC on Thursday which marks halfway through this hideous regime. Now with the sun shining and this new drug Olanzapine sorting out my nausea and sleeping problems, I feel able to peel back the protective layers I had wrapped around me and open up to the days of Spring ahead.
Joy Corner:
A massage @ Here’s to Strength in Aldinga by Sue - an amazing community wellness hub that Sophie and I hope to start running sessions at for younger people affected by Cancer with a focus on gender non-conforming folks.
Grinding coffee beans for my morning coffee which I drink sat on the veranda looking at the beautiful greenery around me, a perk of this wet winter weather.
A Nakie Hammock - made from recycled plastic and 4 trees are planted for every product sold, now I just need more sun…
What I’m listening to:
What I’m reading:
Things that resonated with me:
This post by Sam Slupski
This reel by Megan Jayne Crabbe
The Poetry Highlight on Chris Jaksa’s Instagram page (please keep this updated CJ)
Moments of Gender Euphoria:
After years of wearing baggy black clothing trying to hide a body I never felt comfortable with I finally found freedom when I began identifying as non-binary in 2021. I have moved between they/she pronouns and they/them pronouns since then, trying to find a balance of honouring my memories of growing up assigned female at birth and embracing gender non-conformity.
Before 2022, trying to dress myself often involved staring at a wardrobe and feeling like nothing suited who I was. I would often fail to leave the house because I didn’t feel like I looked like me, or who I wanted to be. I missed out on so much of life in those awkward years because I didn’t feel enough; feminine enough, masculine enough.
My journey to identifying as non-binary started as “maybe I’m supposed to be a man?”. It didn’t quite sit right, but I didn’t know that there was another option until I started using Instagram more frequently and discovered this entire population of incredible human beings who were gender non-conforming. These people’s identity resonated with my soul.
Then I fell into the deep, deep well of “I’m not androgynous enough to be non-binary” which goes against the very concept of being non-binary: there is no “look”. Once I rehearsed “non-binary people do not owe you androgyny” to myself I took the tentative step to change my pronouns on Instagram.
From there I began to introduce the idea of me as a non-binary person to my friends and family; responses were mixed, but overall positive. I started using gender neutral language to describe me (and others) and the joy I started to feel just by embracing this truly authentic version of myself was something I never thought I would feel about my physical body.
Now clothes DO NOT have to be an important part of anyones life, but for someone like me re-living my clothing renaissance has been incredible. I feel powerful, joyful and grateful whenever I look at my reflection.
And isn’t that all we really want to feel? Acceptance of ourselves within the self?
Reminder of the fortnight:
This one’s courtesy of my amazing Dad: “don’t deny yourself, you don’t have to justify having what you want”
Apply it to almond croissants (he does) or that adventure you’ve been planning, or a pair of bottle green velvet trousers that are a little bit too expensive but will bring you joy for years to come.
Your Q’s, A‘d:
Thank you to everyone who sent in a question via Instagram, I loved answering these when I was feeling low.
Q: If you had to choose a subject to do a PhD in, which one?
A: Probably something to do with language acquisition or the history of languages, I did a Masters thesis along these lines for my PGCE and I found it fascinating
Q: If Paisley could cook you a meal, what would it be?
A: Considering the amount of effort I put into her food needs daily, I’d expect a huge tapas table full of different nibbles.
Q: How are you feeling after your second infusion? Energy drained? Feel okay?
A: I found the first cycle really hard, I was completely drained and nauseous from day 1-5 and unable to sleep for longer than 2-3hours at a time, my vision went really blurry due to the steroids affecting the fluid levels in my eyes and exacerbating my astigmatism. After day 5 I did pick up and managed to function fairly normally. This time around I’ve been given Olanzapine for the nausea, which had the added bonus of knocking me out cold too. I’m currently day 3 and feel like the nausea is under control which helps with the fatigue.
Q: Hope you’re feeling okay?
A: Mostly!! There are definitely low days when my energy is drained and I don’t feel like I’m coping but I have so many amazing people around me and lots of coping mechanisms for when things feel less optimistic.
Q: Favourite bike tyres?
A: I’m currently running WTB Rangers 3” but have my eye on some Maxxis Ikon 2.6” or Vittoria Mezcals
Q: What bikepacking bags do you use?
A: Revelate Front Roll with a Sea to Summit e-vent Compression Sack inside, Treadlite Bike Bags for top tube, stem bags and full frame pack. Currently in the market for a rear bag as I’m torn between mini-panniers or the traditional saddle bag.
Q: What is you’re three most recalled favourite memories?
A: I really had to think about this one…. A favourite memory from my childhood is packing up our old Citroen Zantia for the 6week summer holiday and driving through Europe camping along the way as a family. More recently I think crossing the Nullarbor solo on my bike was an amazing 10 days of freedom and solitude. Returning to the UK in July 2022 after 3 years away from my family and friends; those 3 weeks are treasured memories.
Q: What’s Allies favourite snack?
A: apple and nut butter, veg sticks and hummus, fresh bread and good butter, dark choc.
Q: What’s Paisleys favourite snack?
A: Paise usually eats hay and loads of greens but her treats are carrot, strawberries and these little treats of dried fruit that I get her.
Thank you to everyone who wrote in with a question!
Adventure updates:
Sadly no exciting bikepacking or hiking adventures soon as my energy is still overall low, but my housemate Chris and I embark on a van trip on Monday. We’re road tripping to Sydney to see Alok V Menon and Travis Alabanza via the Grampians, Melbourne, and Kosciuszko, then heading to the Blue Mountains and travelling home along the Murray River via Mildura.
I’m lucky enough that my School are allowing me to WFH during my chemotherapy cycles which means that I can teams-in to lessons from wherever I happen to be. This freedom is not something I take for granted and I’m forever grateful to my incredible boss Bec who is endlessly supportive and made it all happen.
I get back to Adelaide just in time for the Curve Cycling Fleurieu Flashpacking weekend that I’m so excited to be a part of, even in reduced cycling capacity. I can’t wait to hang out with the fantastic humans of Curve.
Playing the Cancer Card:
As I can now no longer do many of the energetic things I usually do I decided to take up Yoga to keep some gentle movement going on the days when I’m really struggling with fatigue. I got in touch with my local yoga studio Salt Yoga in Aldinga and asked them about the possibility of a reduced membership given my financial situation. The owner Jamie replied immediately with kind words, good vibes and an amazing discount. I cannot recommend them highly enough if you’re South of Adelaide. There’s also a studio in Christies Beach.
Cancer Card well played.
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Find me here:
Rambling on : Into the Wee Hours Podcast
Writing for Curve Cycling: Bikewandering the Mawson Trail
I haven’t quite figured out how to format pictures just yet so some are a wee bit bigger than I planned - please enjoy HUGE Paisley photos in the meantime.
Thanks for reading “The Last Days of Winter”
Shout out to my first paid subscriber and therefore biggest fan: Claire J. I see you, and I appreciate you dearly.
Allie 😊
Hi Alice. Really enjoyed your blog; beautifully written. You are often in our thoughts and we are also kept up to date by your M&D. Always here for you despite being thousands of miles away. Jamie x
Sending much love Allie xx